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March 2015

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Mar. 29th, 2015

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Mar. 28th, 2015

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Mar. 27th, 2015

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Mar. 26th, 2015

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Mar. 25th, 2015

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Mar. 23rd, 2015

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Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

Mother returned safely from Italy. Most of my sisters are also home by now. Fran and Maria got delayed by strikes in Italy. But I am also home now. I plan on sleeping as much as possible. I have two appointments in Sayre tomorrow. My therapist on Wednesday. And the Cuteness is staying with me next week. So I need some rest.

Mar. 22nd, 2015

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Mar. 20th, 2015

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Mar. 19th, 2015

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Still Alive

So the trip to Ithaca and back on Tuesday was uneventful. The cats were fine. They didn't seem particularly hungry or thirsty.

I got home later than I had planned so I had to rush dinner. Luckily everything was ready by the time the Roberts got here. Pat brought gingerbread and fruit salad for dessert. It was delicious. I've been eating corned beef sandwiches with Swiss cheese and cabbage since then.

Wednesday I felt very tired and sore. I made Coq au Vin and Ratatouille for dinner. The chicken too forever to cook and and dinner was an hour late. Things kept falling over. The light over the dinner table went out and dad wouldn't eat until it was fixed. Unfortunately the shade rests directly on the bulb and neither of us could get the new bulb to screw on while balancing the weight of the ornate plastic shade. I sat down and started eating because I was tired and irritable. But dad wouldn't sit down. If he couldn't fix the light he wanted candles to eat by. After I had something to eat it occurred to me that it would be easier to screw in the light bulb if we moved the table. So I get dad to move off the rug and pushed the table aside. Then I put in the new light bulb so dad would sit down and eat.

After dinner I had to clean up and refill our pill cases before I could go to bed. I was still very irritable and cranky. I finally went to bed at 10pm. But I felt miserable.

I slept a lot more today. I'm glad Cindy and John are bringing dinner over tonight. I need the break.

I really do this to myself. I could plan a lot fewer things and not stress myself out as much. But really I'm not sure it would help. The first couple of dinners were very simple but I still worried about them. Any time other people are depending on me I worry. That is why I hate making promises.

Mar. 18th, 2015

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Mar. 17th, 2015

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Mar. 16th, 2015

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Still Cooking

Sunday morning I went grocery shopping at Weis. I finally got myself a Weis card. We don't have Wies in Ithaca, but I shop there when I'm visiting friends and family down here.

For Sunday dinner we had Apple Panko breaded pork cutlets that I bought at Weis, with baked potatoes and green beans.

Today I got up early and made bacon and eggs for breakfast, because I needed the bacon grease to make Southern Cornbread for dinner. I made navy bean soup, and dad said we should have cornbread with it. I also made broccoli as our vegetable.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day so I'm making corned beef, with boiled potatoes and sweet and sour red cabbage. I invited the Roberts over because Larry likes corned beef.

Unfortunately Marilyn called and said her key didn't work in my lock and I have to go up and check on my cats. I need to get to sleep early so I won't be exhausted tomorrow.
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Mar. 15th, 2015

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Mar. 14th, 2015

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Visiting Dad

So I came down Friday to visit with dad while Mom is in Italy.

Friday night Mom had left us a nice slice of Salmon. So I fried it up and served it with roasted potatoes and broccoli. This evening we had ham steaks with baked potatoes and fried cabbage.

I'm finally doing my laundry. And I really need to go grocery shopping for this week.

For some reason I've been feeling very tired.

Mar. 13th, 2015

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Mar. 11th, 2015

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Mar. 10th, 2015

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Mar. 9th, 2015

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Well, that is better.

Today was the first day in weeks that I felt like things had gotten back to normal. Maybe it was the lentil soup. My normal eating pattern is to make a big pot of something and eat it for every meal until it is gone. I haven't done that in a while. It's nice to have lentil soup in the fridge.

The car issue is mostly taken care of. Nothing is really looming over my head that has to be done Right Now! I'm not avoiding too many things.

I read the book for the Sci-Fi book club. If I just get enough sleep at the right time, and do my laundry, I should be able to go to group tomorrow.

I have some things to do today. But I feel OK about it. Today really feels normal.

Mar. 8th, 2015

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Mar. 6th, 2015

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New Car

Mom bought me a sky blue 2003 Toyota Camry.

This morning I emailed a copy of my driver's license to the salesman, confirmed the insurance transfer with the insurance company, and told the rental agency I wanted to return the rental to their Vestal office.

After my usual Friday lunch with B I drove down to Vestal and returned the rental at the Enterprise office there. Mom picked me up and helped transfer all the stuff from my old car to her car. Then we drove to the Gualt Toyota dealership in Endicott. We picked up our salesman and had to drive to a different lot, where we waited inside a nice showroom while he ran around getting all the paperwork and putting the plates on the car.

He really took care of a lot of things for us. The insurance is taken care of. We didn't have to go to the DMV. The new inspection is done. I had to sign a lot of paperwork authorizing him to do these things for me. But it was much nicer than having to do them myself. I remember having to go to the DMV with mom last time and changing the plates in the snow. This time I just signed a lot of paperwork. Mom wrote a check. We moved all my stuff from her car to mine and we drove away. Mom said she would drive over to the DMV to turn in the plates from the old car.

I still have to send the title for the old car to the insurance company before they will cut a check for that. I got a special envelope from them today with a list of what they needed and return envelope for them.

Since I was in the area I tried to drop in and visit Song. She wasn't home from work and her driveway had too much snow in it for me to feel comfortable pulling in or walking into the house. I called The Boy on his cell phone and he came out to talk to me. He is turning into a real person. I gave him the Bechdel book I have been reading to loan to his mother. I think she will like it (for certain very narrow definitions of "like"). I found it illuminating. I know that there are aspects she will not relate too. But there were aspects I didn't relate as well. We are all different.

Then I came home and went to bed. I felt exhausted! Intellectually it doesn't seem like I did much. I just drove down to Vestal and sat around for an hour then drove back. My mom did a lot more of the moving things from one car to another. But still the whole process was exhausting.

But the car seems nice. It's smaller than any of the cars I've had before. It's a bit snug. I really need to lose some weight. It doesn't have as many extras as the Park Ave but it will get me around. It has a skylight! I've never has a skylight before.
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Mar. 4th, 2015

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Mar. 3rd, 2015

Be Nice

Defective Coping Strategies

I think not doing things, that I know I should do, makes me feel better, than doing them. This is counter-intuitive and counter-productive. But it's like how being late for appointments make me feel better than being on time. Once things have been neglected I have proved that I can exert my will and I can relax and actually do what needs to be done. If I do what I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it, then I'm somehow not a free person. It diminishes me to conform to anyone's expectations, even my own. I think that has to do with the conflict between my conscious and my unconscious. My conscious is the part that says "These things have to be done" and my unconscious says "You're not the boss of me! Phbbt!" And lies around the house avoiding doing whatever I'm supposed to be doing until things reach a crisis. Dr L seemed slightly amused when I admitted my rebellious streak. But I've always known I was Miss Obstinate.
"There was a little girl who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good she was very very good
and when she was bad she was horrid."


My therapist got me thinking about why I don't feel good about taking care of myself. He asked if I don't believe I deserve to be taken care of. I certainly do believe I should be taken care of. That is the problem. If I take care of myself that means that no one else cares enough about me to take care of me. If someone else takes care of me that means someone else cares about me. I think he would prompt me to care about myself. I do care about myself. And for myself pretty much. But I don't need proof from myself that I care about me. I need proof from other people that they care about me.

Last Yule I got three memoirs by women who suffer from depression. Jenny Lawson, Allie Brosh, and Alison Bechdel. I learned a little bit from the first two about how my depression and anxiety are different from theirs. I just started reading Alison Bechdel's "Are You My Mother?" and she is a lot more psychoanalytical than the others. She talks about a lot of Freudian and Jungian theory. I can see that my mother never needed me to take care of her the way Bechdel's mother did. But I can also see that I really needed more care than I got from my family. I try not to blame them since I don't think that blame is productive. My family was practically idyllic compared to quite a lot of other people's. I was not abused or physically neglected. But still I was a very lonely child. I'm really identifying with what Bechdel is saying about living in her own head. How the child's mind becomes her own mother. And, while no one in my family needed me to mother them, many people since then have mentioned how motherly I am. My whole relationship with Joel was me reveling in taking care of him. I learned to mother others by mothering myself. Which she mentions leads to a pathology of never being satisfied with relationships because I treat others the way I want them to treat me. Which doesn't end up working.

But it is problematic. The goal of therapy is for the patient to be self-sufficient. But to me being self-sufficient means that no one loves me. I don't want to be self-sufficient I want to be interdependent. I want to be deeply connected to a web of community. But for some reason that is exactly the kind of relationship I can't seem to form. It might be because I just don't trust anyone to really care for me. I have a very deep fear of abandonment. And my experiences with abandonment and betrayal by people and communities I trusted has not helped matters.

I have a lot to talk to my therapist about tomorrow.

EDIT: I've been listening to Invisbilia and almost every episode has made me cry.
Episode Iggy + Children Of The Dirt was about the power of categories. The part of the story about the Children of the Dirt was supposed to make single people feel good by putting us all in a category so we wouldn't be alone. They said: "for the rest of us, who find its last two lines like a kind of worry stone..." and then they played those two lines "Because there's nobody for them, not anybody in the world." four times. I didn't find it "Totally inert, but deeply soothing." I found it excruciatingly painful. I actually screamed. The idea that there is nobody for me, not anybody in the world is unbearably painful. I prefer not to think about it.

The only thing I would change about the story is that he should have called us Children of the Stars. Dirt is just another word for Earth, and that is already taken. The Stars are what come after the Earth, the Sun, and the Moon. And it is fitting that the children of the stars should many and singular from the beginning.

Aristophanes's Speech from Plato's Symposium
In the first place, let me treat of the nature of man and what has happened to it. The original human nature was not like the present, but different. The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three in number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, of which the name survives but nothing else. Once it was a distinct kind, with a bodily shape and a name of its own, constituted by the union of the male and the female: but now only the word 'androgynous' is preserved, and that as a term of reproach.

In the second place, the primeval man was round, his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and the same number of feet, one head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two privy members, and the remainder to correspond. He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast.

Now the sexes were three, and such as I have described them; because the sun, moon, and earth are three; and the man was originally the child of the sun, the woman of the earth, and the man-woman of the moon, which is made up of sun and earth, and they were all round and moved round and round because they resembled their parents. Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods; of them is told the tale of Otys and Ephialtes who, as Homer says, attempted to scale heaven, and would have laid hands upon the gods.
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Mar. 2nd, 2015

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First Long Drive Since the Accident.

I had several things I planned to do this morning before I left for Sayre. But when I got up I just didn't feel up to doing anything.


I got dressed, ate breakfast, took my pills, and drove to Sayre in a timely manner.

On the way there I kept seeing how easily I could lose control of the car and die horribly. I wouldn't call them flashbacks they were more like flash forwards. My amygdala has just recently learned how quickly a pleasant drive down a dry highway can turn into dangerous chaos. So it is working on warning me of how dangerous the act of driving can be. I have a lot more sympathy for my mom's slow driving and avoidance of highways now. At highway speeds things can go out of control faster than I can react to them.

I feel a bit sorry for Dr L, the psychologist down in Sayre. He only has a half hour to see me and I come in, drop a bunch of complicated psychoanalytic theory on him, and burst into tears. I think most of his patients are much less complicated.

Gavin, the exercise specialist, on the other hand could use a bit of education on how to motivate people. He is a nice guy but he was "disappointed" that I didn't get anything done last month. And he kept pushing me to "promise" to do better so I wouldn't disappoint him again. I do not respond well to that kind of pressure. I've developed an almost Hawaiian dislike of making promises. I can't control the future. I don't know what is going to happen. But he did give me a packet of exercises I can do at home in a chair. So I have no excuses for not doing them.

I picked up my iPod at Wegmans and tried their new wild caught Alaskan Salmon Sushi roll. And I bought a small loaf of Pain de Campagne. I used to buy Pain de Campagne for full moon rituals when I was working with a regular group doing Esbats. Eating Pain de Campagne has such comforting pleasant associations for me. I would also get a good cheese, and a nice liqueur to go with it. This time I just bought a small tub of whipped sweet cream butter. Sweet cream butter and crusty french bread are ecstasy!

Way too much carb I know. I also bought cucumbers and celery. I'm working on it.

I'm still feeling general anxiety. I'm going to take one of diazepam and see if that helps.
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Mar. 1st, 2015

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Feeling Overwhelmed

My primary phone ran out of minutes last night and I discovered that my credit cards were not in my wallet. Luckily I found them in the car today. So my phone works again. I'm glad I have a back up phone.

I did my first of the month shopping today and spent way too much money. I haven't been eating enough vegetables, and I've been eating way too many carbs. My usual snack food is fruit (oranges in winter, other fruits as they come in season) I tried to stock up on vegetables I can snack on: cucumbers, sweet peas, celery. I picked up some shredded veggies that Wegmans is selling as veggie spaghetti. The most expensive thing I bought was a jar of almonds. They are recommended by my dietitian.

I dropped my iPod at Wegmans. Luckily for me someone found it and turned it in. I will have to pick it up tomorrow.

I meant to make copies of my food journal, but I forgot to take the masters down to the car I will have to do it tomorrow. I usually just print it out at home but I'm out of black ink so I have to wait till the 3rd (when my check drops) so I can order more ink. Then I have to wait for the ink to arrive. The photocopies are better because they don't run as easily when they get wet.

I have two appointments in Sayre tomorrow with the exercise guy and the psyche guy. I'm a bit nervous because I haven't done any exercise, and my diet has not been good.

The rental car is nice, it's a Hyundai Sonata, but it's a little cramped. It has some visibility problems. I can't see cars coming from the right when I'm trying to pull out of my driveway because of the placement of the windows and supports. And the side doors are bit high. I can't reach my mailbox when I roll down the windows. I spent several minutes trying to figure out the lights. It's hard to tell what outside lights are on when you are in the car. It's a black car and I was driving without lights for a while on the highway because I couldn't figure out how to turn them on. I think I have it figured out now. It does have a USB port for my iPod, a CD player, and Sirius Satellite Radio.

My old Buick Park Avenue was much more roomy inside. And it turned on the headlights when it got dark. I never had to turn the lights on or off, it did it itself. The Park Avenue also had proximity sensors for backing up, and heated seats. Well, it had a lot of luxury extras. I can't expect to be that lucky all the time. And Buicks have a problem with their electrical systems. The electric is the first thing to go. The interior lights shorted out and the electric windows had started having problems. The more gadgets a car has the more things can go wrong.

Anyway. I feel better for writing down all the little things that were wearing on me today. Nothing major. No problem that can't be overcome with a little time and effort. Just a bunch of little things that were piling up on me. When I get my check I can do laundry and I will feel better.

It is March now. Spring is getting closer. I can feel it even if it was still snowing today.
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Feb. 27th, 2015

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