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curiosity

September 2017

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curiosity

Therapy Day: Anxiety

Some days I just talk and some days I make him work for his hour. My favorite thing to do is to talk for half an hour then look at him and say "So what is the solution to this problem?" as if it were that simple. But if he doesn't have solutions, why I am there?

Anyway, today I talked about anxiety. I've been anxious about a lot of things this week. I was anxious about leaving the house for this appointment. I was anxious about getting out of my car in front of the high school next to my therapist's office. All the high school students had just gotten out and were hanging around on the sidewalk. I talked about how I think I should have taken one of my Atavan pills before leaving the house so I wouldn't have been so anxious. But my therapist said it was OK for me to be anxious.

I started crying and my throat closed up. Which means that hit a nerve. I had to sit with that a while to figure out why I was crying. Anxiety is bad, it's like pain, I don't want to feel it. But... Why did I start crying when he said it was ok for me to feel anxious? It felt like a locked door had opened. After siting with it for a while I think I have an unconscious voice that says "Suck it up. We don't have time for this."

That is a really profound realization for me. This goes back to the root of my lateness problem. Whenever I tell myself I have to be somewhere at a specific time my unconscious hears that as "We don't have time for your problems. Your problems aren't important." Which is why it resists doing things until the deadline is past. It's my unconscious's way of saying "My needs *are* important." Showing up on time means admitting that my unconscious needs aren't important. That my feelings aren't important. That my obligation to be somewhere or do something is more important than me. What I want, what I need, or what I feel. I don't think I knew that before.

So, my therapist saying it was ok for me to feel anxious was a really big thing. I'm still crying when I think about it.

Comments

Wow.

That's...wow. That's AWESOME! Congratulations!
I think that's a very good insight.
It's always good to find out something new about one's self. Congratulations and many hugs!