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curiosity

October 2017

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curiosity

Living a lie

I feel like I have been living a lie, pretending that I was all right, my whole life. But I don't think that is factually accurate, at least not consciously.

I have been seeking therapy for my depression since I was in high school. My parents sent me to a therapist at least once before that. (Although my mom can't remember why exactly.) I used to believe in talk therapy, until I tried CBT. CBT was like penicillin after trying prayer for years. That treatment actually did something. Now that I have taken a look at the DSM I have less respect for psychology as a science. The DSM is a total joke, it's not science it's opinion and politics.

But back to me. I'm just so angry that it has taken this long to figure out what was going on with me. And contrary to psychotherapeutic theory, just knowing what is wrong doesn't solve the problem. There is a a lot of criticism of the psychopharmaceutical industry but at least drugs work. Or some of them do. (There is a lot of bad science in the industry).

I feel like all my life I was trying to "tough it out", to just ignore my fear and get out of my "comfort zone", be strong, be confident. When what I really needed was to admit I was afraid and find some safe place to grow. I'm finally saying no to putting myself in stressful situations. As much as I can. It's hard to change a habit of a life time. I need to protect myself, I need to feel safe. But I also need to feel loved and nurtured. I don't know what to do about that.

I'm not as strong as I want people to think I am. I don't have the inner resources to give as much as I do give. I don't want to be weak. I certainly don't want to *appear* weak. But I'm just not as strong as I pretend to be.

Comments

*HUGS*

Embrace the anger. Some people NEVER figure it out. You're an Intelligencia, but you have to have the resources to find the answers. I'm so glad you found the resources you need.

You have been toughing it out, for over 30 years. You've done all you can and gone as far as you can go. Now, now it is time to stop. You are NOT weak. It takes a lot of strength to endure what you have. A LOT OF STRENGTH. A. LOT!

You have found your limit. This is good. This is a healthy, powerful thing. Now stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself. Keep yourself safe and know your friends are a phone call or an email away. If you feel you need that personal contact, come visit me. You know I will hug you and take care of you and love and nurture you. Just give me an advance call. (^_^)

I love you. You are a wonderful person. I am so happy with this discovery, enshrouded in Indigo. I hope it means that you will continue to protect yourself while getting the love you need. And don't forget to remind me about that party and what day you'll need a knife-wielding Witch to back you up.

Re: *HUGS*

Thank you {{{HUG}}}
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this for so long. You should of course continue with medical treat, but perhaps you could find a women's support group to help as well. Hugs and blessings...Mary
Thank you for your kind support Mary.

Unfortunately I have had bad experiences with women's groups. The first women's group I tried to join criticized me for being too "masculine". And one of the reasons I left the CBT group therapy was that the women in the group had decided they didn't like me and were actively working to tear me down. (One of the reasons I'm so pro-CBT is that the CBT skills actually helped despite how dysfunctional the staff at the mental health clinic was.)

I've had a lot of bad experiences with groups in general but women's groups are the worst for me. Most women just don't like me. In my experience women need men around like protons need neutrons, to act as buffers and keep us from hurting each other. Women can be incredibly viscous and hurtful. Men can be violent but they mostly don't have the social skills to really do emotional damage.

That said. Most of the progress I have made in the last few years was with the help of my mostly female book group. That group has been great therapy for me. It really helped me learn to deal with my stress. Partly by stressing me out on a weekly basis, but mostly by being willing to stick with me while I worked through my emotions.

"Snake therapy" has also helped. Being able to hold a large red tailed boa when I'm feeling stressed makes me feel better. Boas are better than cats for self soothing. They are slow and sedentary (most of the time), they love to cuddle and give great massages.
Wow. Just- wow!
so much to talk about, discuss, share about in here... you ARE a lovely person, and much loved, and though you have had bad experiences with SOME women, I really feel that says so much more about THEM ("women need men... like protons need neutrons...") than about YOU ("Most women just don't like me." - what am I -a Nuetricle? ;) To quote Sojourner Truth, "Ain't I a woman? Ain't Song, and the women in your book group?")because there seem to be plenty of women, like myself, who absolutely adore you, and those others are bitches, probably with body-image issues, whom you are totally right to avoid!
Totally correct about the DSM, don't know about the therapy: you convinced me long ago the success of the therapy has much more to do with the psychic ability of the therapist themselves than the so-called "methods" they learn in head-shrinker school, and I've been lucky to find at least 2 I could work with for my own betterment. And take it from someone who, simply by dint of my disease, hears WAY MORE OFTEN than is reasonable, "Oh, you are SO STRONG!" when all I am is taking one breath after another, trying to put one foot in front of the other enough times to get to the bathroom or kitchen or whatever, and is thinking, "Are you STUPID? I'M NOT strong, I'm scared, and I cried for three hours last night, and I just want my Mommy to make everything all better!!!!, that I guess they think we are strong because we haven't offed ourselves when confronted with challenges.
Which- most likely they wouldn't do EITHER- but they don't know that yet, because they have had it easier so far.....but hey, don't you, and I, deserve credit for that too? Strong, schmong.....you are just plain DELIGHTFUL, which is why I love you so very much, and yeah, I'm happy that you are letting out whatever you need to let out, and maybe, just maybe-knowing that you don't need to be anything for anyone else- just your good old sweet, wonderful, nurturing, messed-up, crazy self.....however you choose to be, I'm just glad you choose to let me into your life at all.
You, darling Sammie, have never been like most women. :)

Most of my women friends are truly exceptional women.

“I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.” ― Henry James
My criticism of women is in the context of the suggestion that I find a women's support group. In my experience women who choose to join women only groups are usually the kind of women who can't stand me. The one exception I can think of is Rauncie. Rauncie has always been very nice to me and she likes women's groups, but I have never been in a women's group with her.

The nucleus of atoms is made up of Protons and Neutrons. Protons have a positive charge and Neutrons are neutral. The way I was taught, Neutrons act as buffers between the Protons and keep them from flying apart. The Electrons are negatively charged and buzz around outside. When I say "women need men like protons need neutrons" I don't mean "women want men" or "woman think they need men". I mean the men get between the women and keep them from acting directly on each other. The worst problems I have had in mixed gender groups have been women manipulating men to act against other women. I have never had a man try to destroy me socially without a woman being behind him manipulating him.

I'm not saying that all women are evil bitches. I'm just saying that every time someone has set out to intentionally hurt *me* it has been a woman. Men have hurt me with stupidity and callous disregard, but with women it has been personal and intentional.
Sending good thoughts.

Empathy: I've struggled with ADD/ADHD most of my life. I'm now on medication which works well for me.
Thank you for your kindness.
Hugs, hugs, hugs! I stuck it out until I was 35 years old. Then I tried medication, and it was an unexpected revelation. When I couldn't afford meds for a bit, I was a wreck. I am much better off when I'm properly treated.

Yeah, there is a lot of bad science about the medications. And the DSM is vague enough in places that any number of problems could "fit"--if a doctor wants to charge a bill for something. Sorry, a tiny bit cynical there. But drugs and therapy worked immensely better than therapy alone ever did.
I don't remember when I started taking medication I was on Effexor when I moved up here in 1998. I might have got on the drugs in '96 or '97 when I had a total breakdown and was crying every day for months. Turing 30 was a very bad time for me.

I only really started getting movement on my anxiety when my current doctor cranked my effexor up to 375. I actually don't freak out over spiders anymore.
My current doctor put me on Paxil (again) for its anti-anxiety component, which the Cymbalta didn't have. So far it seems to be working, or maybe it's just because my life has improved. People tell me they can see a difference, which is good.
I hope your life keeps improving. :)