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October 2017

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I'm Vibrating

So, I went to pick up my CSA box today and drop off the old boxes to be reused. I got tomatoes and parsley in this box so I decided to make Tabbouleh. I went to Wegmans to pick up some lemon juice and olive oil, and my meds.

While I was waiting in line I realized I was vibrating. It's sort of like being jittery but faster. Basically it is like being high-strung, or tightly wound. It is an adrenaline response. It means I am feeling stressed out and need to unwind and relax.

I think it is because I have had so many visitors this past month. And I have schedules and appointments. I hate schedules and appointments because it means I will feel as if I'm about to let people down and disappoint or annoy them until whatever it is has passed. I remember my father telling me he used to wake up in the middle of a semester with the feeling that he had been scheduled to teach a class and had forgotten about it, and the students had been sitting in a classroom somewhere waiting for him for weeks. Of course if he had forgotten about a class someone would have mentioned it to him on the first day. But anxiety is like that.

There are so many things I need to do, and needing to do things causes me stress. *sigh*

I have to cook some of these vegetables before they all rot.
I have to clean out the kitchen. The Beast and Joe cleaned it and it is already filling back up with recyclables, and things that need to be put away.

I feel overwhelmed. I need help. I have always needed help. I just can't do this by myself. :(

Edit: This just kept getting worse. I ended up crying this morning and took a diazepam.

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