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August 2017

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Therapy

So, today I went into therapy concerned that we hadn't been getting any work done. The first several weeks I spent giving him my histories (some of the many stories I tell to explain my life). Then I had a bad day where I was in too delicate a mood to talk about anything upsetting. Then I was all stressed out about family visiting and my workshops. So it was time to get some work done.

He agreed. So we talked about possible roots of my anxiety. I told him about my feelings of abandonment and distrust. And I told him some stories about times people had abandoned me, and times I had needed comforting and not gotten any. And I cried a bit. He asked if I felt that we had gotten some work done and I said yes, since we had talked about the roots of some of my stress. But afterward my throat hurt and I went to Taco Bell and had a slushie and some tacos. I wasn't really hungry but I was still crying and feeling sad and my throat hurt. I have plenty of food at home (more than enough) but I wanted something someone else had made. I wanted someone to take care of me.

After I ate I felt better but I called Song to talk about what happened. She asked me if I felt that talking about it had lifted a weight or removed a block. It hadn't. I didn't feel any different. I didn't feel like anything had been resolved or I had any new insights. I just felt sad because I am alone. And I probably will die alone. I really need to learn to be OK with being alone because there is no reason for me to believe that will ever change. I feel sad about it but it is not something that I can change. On good days I just don't think about it. I only really feel sad when I think about it and want things to be other than they are.

On the up-side I felt better after eating only a small amount of food. The post bariatric surgery life style of eating small quantities every hour should work for me as long as I can quickly remove myself from stressful situations. I do most of my compulsive eating at parties. I need to remember that social situation are stressful for me and I should avoid them.

Comments

I'm glad you could talk about the cause of your anxiety. Many hugs for being brave. It's awfully hard. You do have good people who are with you now and care for you, but it doesn't always fill up that hole in your heart from past mistreatment and abandonment. You are a good, kind, intelligent person, and I wish life were easier for you. Hugs again!