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curiosity

August 2017

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reject reality

Shared Sorrow.

I have always been confused why people apologize for telling me about their problems and crying on my shoulder. They usually say something about not wanting to burden me with their problems. But I don't feel burdened. Just because someone tells me their problems doesn't make the problem mine. I don't have to live with their problems or solve them. I just have to listen and say "there, there" and pat them on the shoulder. It really doesn't feel like it costs me anything. I usually feel good about myself because someone turned to me for comfort. Someone trusted me enough to talk to me! Someone felt better after they talked to me! Go me! I did something right!

When I made my last post I hesitated before I hit the "post" button. What I was most afraid of was that people would judge me and reject me for being too broken (as my fiance explicitly did years ago). But really, every time people have rejected me I feel it is because they looked me over and decided that there was something wrong with me that I wasn't good enough. Intellectually I realize that someone can just not be a "good fit" without being flawed. Just because someone is not right for me doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. But viscerally, every rejection feels like a failure, another proof that "I'm not good enough".

I'm very grateful for RBDarkly for telling me that it is OK to not be perfect. That people don't like to be around perfect people because someone who has no flaws makes other people feel bad about their flaws.

But, back to where I started. I can see that people would be grateful to me, not just for listening to them and comforting them, but for not rejecting them or attacking them when they have exposed their weaknesses to me. I know that that is what my fear is. That people who read my posts about my fears and weaknesses will use them to hurt me, or just decide that I'm too damaged for them to want in their life. That is why we hide who we are from others, because we are afraid that others will reject us or use that information to hurt us.
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Joy shared is doubled; sorrow shared is halved. <3
Yes.
Thank you :)

If this is the same fiance of my horrible Camelot Adventure...

Then I can say, with all honesty, that he was a dick to you. I also know that he wanted children. That is NOT your fault. It's your body and your right. He ended up with a woman obsessed with an actress, convinced she was the child given up for adoption. And if I'm wrong about this person, then whomever it was is STILL a dick and deserves to be whipped. Unless they like that sort of thing, in which case I'll find something they DON'T like and do THAT to them.

I understand your fear. I share it, although I suspect it's not as strong. You are not alone in your fear. We're in this together.

Re: If this is the same fiance of my horrible Camelot Adventure...

Yep, it is him. And he doesn't like being whipped. LOL

I hadn't really thought about the children thing.
Sharing can be scary, and I think we often feel we will "burden" others because of our culture's cult of self-reliance. We should Buck Up and Pull Ourselves Up by Our Bootstraps, Soldier on in Stoic Silence, Just Cheer Up, and all that sort of thing. :/
Yes. The cult of independence is part of American culture. There are other cultures that are more accepting of interdependence. But that can be a problem too. Sometimes in those cultures you are not supposed to burden others because the group is more important than the individual.
I'm really open with my stuff. For the same reason you fear it...I'm afraid someonewill use it against me. I figure that the only way it has power over me is if i keep it a secret....then by the very nature of it being a secret, it has power. To steal its power, i tell the secret.

It's why i find it beautiful and brave of you. Your determination to grow, even if it means you might make yourself vulnerable...it makes you stronger, even as it scares you. Little by little it will lose control over you, i promise.
I don't think you can make promises like that. People are assholes and they have used things I have told them against me in the past and they probably will again. My fear of people has a real basis in experience. It's a justified fear.

While I'm flattered that you find my openness beautiful and brave, I'm not you. Your struggles are not the same as my struggles. What works for you is not necessarily what works for me.