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curiosity

October 2017

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curiosity

First Long Drive Since the Accident.

I had several things I planned to do this morning before I left for Sayre. But when I got up I just didn't feel up to doing anything.


I got dressed, ate breakfast, took my pills, and drove to Sayre in a timely manner.

On the way there I kept seeing how easily I could lose control of the car and die horribly. I wouldn't call them flashbacks they were more like flash forwards. My amygdala has just recently learned how quickly a pleasant drive down a dry highway can turn into dangerous chaos. So it is working on warning me of how dangerous the act of driving can be. I have a lot more sympathy for my mom's slow driving and avoidance of highways now. At highway speeds things can go out of control faster than I can react to them.

I feel a bit sorry for Dr L, the psychologist down in Sayre. He only has a half hour to see me and I come in, drop a bunch of complicated psychoanalytic theory on him, and burst into tears. I think most of his patients are much less complicated.

Gavin, the exercise specialist, on the other hand could use a bit of education on how to motivate people. He is a nice guy but he was "disappointed" that I didn't get anything done last month. And he kept pushing me to "promise" to do better so I wouldn't disappoint him again. I do not respond well to that kind of pressure. I've developed an almost Hawaiian dislike of making promises. I can't control the future. I don't know what is going to happen. But he did give me a packet of exercises I can do at home in a chair. So I have no excuses for not doing them.

I picked up my iPod at Wegmans and tried their new wild caught Alaskan Salmon Sushi roll. And I bought a small loaf of Pain de Campagne. I used to buy Pain de Campagne for full moon rituals when I was working with a regular group doing Esbats. Eating Pain de Campagne has such comforting pleasant associations for me. I would also get a good cheese, and a nice liqueur to go with it. This time I just bought a small tub of whipped sweet cream butter. Sweet cream butter and crusty french bread are ecstasy!

Way too much carb I know. I also bought cucumbers and celery. I'm working on it.

I'm still feeling general anxiety. I'm going to take one of diazepam and see if that helps.
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Love you. Try that music I sent while sitting with your eyes closed and imagining driving. Do that until the anxiety lowers a little. That may help with your next driving session.
I can sympathize with the therapist situation. i'm not as impressed with my new one, but I can tell it's because I'm too self-aware for her. She doesn't have a lot to work with when I keep telling her I've done all her suggestions and nothing helps. I tried to IM her about the issues we talked about and she wrote back saying I should make an earlier appointment because it was "too hard" to help over IM.

Love you.
I tried emailing my therapist and he said absolutely no emails. If I want to talk about something I have to come in. He said it was a confidentiality issue but I think he likes to keep his work to billable hours. Which is perfectly reasonable, he is a medical professional, not my friend.