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October 2017

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Therapy

When discussing my issues with people and groups my therapist asked if it was possible I might be a little autistic. I think so. My dad thinks so. My previous therapist didn't think so.

It's interesting that when I talked to my therapist about my sexual assault incident my feeling was that we had taken too long getting around to it and I was glad to get that discussion out of the way so we could move on. But today when I talked about my history with the Binghamton Pagan Community I was in tears afterward and needed to take a diazepam. What that community did to me scarred me deeply. It wasn't about "religion" it was about being accepted and valued as part of a community. They really broke my trust, and me, in many ways. I have not been same since then. I never really recovered from that. Although I already had trust issues. But they just made things worse. I still haven't told this therapist a lot of other things I really should, like Bob and the worst year of my life. But still, I think we are making more progress than I have with other therapists.

The assault incident was like being bitten by a snake. It was traumatic and gave me a phobia (or PTSD) but I didn't take it personally, it wasn't about me, it was about him. I just need to be careful around "snakes". But the incident with the BPC was devastating to me, people I trusted set out to hurt me personally, they used the community to do it, and the community I thought I was a part of didn't support or defend me. The community really destroyed my trust and made it absolutely clear that they didn't value me. It is sort of odd that my feelings aren't the other way around. I think it was because I understood that the assault was just one jerk pursuing his own desires. While the community incident was public and involved actual conspiracy by several individuals to attack me and they justified their behavior as being in the interest of the community. The support of my personal friends was not enough to mitigate the harm because the harm was done in the name of the community and the community did not disown it.

My therapist recommended I meditate for 30 minutes a day to help me deal with anxiety. It seems like a good plan.

Comments

It amazes me (although it probably shouldn't) how much damage the communities we are a part of can hurt us. I am still annoyed at the Syracuse D/s Society for being elitist pricks. That experience has made me wary of other kink communities. I can only imagine what you must have gone through and are still going through, despite having lived with you for, what, 90 years? <3
Only 9 years. :)

Thanks. You are a good friend.

I can sort-of relate

My "Camelot Incident" that ended with the entire community literally turning their backs on me was very hurtful. I haven't really trusted sci fi groups since, although I did work with them. But I don't feel broken. I feel embarrassed, because I had a hand in my own shunning. I knew what I had done to "deserve" it.

I'm very grateful you trust the Fabulous Kitchen Witches enough to be part of our community.

Re: I can sort-of relate

I don't consider The FKWs to be a community. It is a small group of friends. I've always said that a community is a group large enough to contain people you don't like and don't get along with, but you have to put up with them because they are part of the community.

Re: I can sort-of relate

Fair enough. I'm still grateful. (^_^)
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I'm glad you're discussing things with your therapist.
Thank you