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March 2018



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Romantic Love in "Bones"

I like watching "Bones". But I'm becoming more and more irritated by their ideas about romantic love.

I just watched the season 3 episode called "Death in the Saddle". It involves the sexual kink of pony play. Booth gives a long speech about how kinky sex has to be bad sex because good sex necessarily involves equality, not role playing.

As I learned from Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael J. Bader "The function of sexual fantasy is to undo the beliefs and feelings interfering with sexual excitement, to ensure both our safety and our pleasure."

No matter how much you love someone, if you have a psychological block that prevents you from relaxing you can't have good sex. That is why so many men who have sexual fetishes look outside their marriages for sexual release. No matter how much you love someone if you aren't getting your need met you will have to look elsewhere.

The episode talked about people getting off on treating other people like animals, but it didn't talk about people getting off on being treated like animals. It works both ways.

Sex is different from love. Sex may be an expression of love but you can love someone without having sex with them and you can have really good sex without loving someone. And people who really love each other can be really bad at sex. I think it is bad to promote the idea that good sex flows naturally from love. Good sex takes practice and communication. If you love someone you are willing to work with them to achieve mutual satisfaction. You won't just wait around for it to "naturally' get better because you feel love for each other. That is just setting people up to fail.


hmm should i watch that on the netflix queue then? :p