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March 2018



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More Books and Food

All my birthday books have arrived. I finished reading "Talking Pictures" and "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children" by Ransom Riggs. "The Psychopath Test" by Jon Ronson should be a fast read. Gibbon's "The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Vol. 2" and "House of Leaves" by Mark Z. Danielewski will take longer.

B took me out to Applebee's for dinner on Saturday, and lent me his Kindle so I can read "Debt", "Gulp", and "Bonk" by Mary Roach.

Today I finally got around to making Paskha. I made two kinds. The fancy kind that uses eggs and has to be cooked and the easy kind that doesn't require any cooking. The cooked kind is a lot like cheesecake. I did some research on cheesecake and Paskha is very similar to an ancient Greek recipe for cheesecake, no cream cheese and it had dried fruit and nuts mixed in. Now I just have to make some Kulich to serve it with.

I'm feeling a little depressed. I was looking forward to Gina's birthday party but I'm afraid it is going to be a week of my family hissing at me and correcting everything I do and say. Nothing I do or say is ever right, so I try to do and say as little as possible around them.

I noticed when I was staying with dad that we got along fine when we were alone but as soon as anyone else was present he started correcting me. My visits with both my parents have been going well lately. When it is just the two of them they don't correct me as much and I hardly ever want to drive my car into a tree afterwards anymore. Although I'm caught between Mom saying "What?" because she can't hear me and Dad saying "There's no need to shout". When it was just me and dad he alternated between saying "What?" because he couldn't hear me and saying "Not so loud". So it seems I just can't win.

I really don't know what I'm going to do about Maria. After that Xmass I spent crying in my room because of her I had decided to avoid any family gathering she was going to attend. Normally that isn't a problem. I visit mom and dad enough that I can skip an occasional Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years if Maria wants to visit. Actually this is the first time it has come up since I made my decision. And I really can't skip this one. I just wish I had some Valium or something so she just couldn't get to me.


I don't understand why your family cannot appreciate you for who you are. Too much history and baggage. Frustrating people!
Thank you.
Just to clarify, while "Gulp" and "Bonk" are by Mary Roach, "Debt" is not, despite being a single, four-letter-word title. "Debt" is by David Graeber.

You might want to talk to your doctor about your anxiety issues with your family. Maybe he'll be able to prescribe some "Mother's Little Helper" to help you.
It is worth a try. I was thinking of talking to her about anxiety medication anyway.
Yeah, what kenshardik said. You have many, many wonderful qualities. Do check with your doc. Ask for just enough to get you through the trip and s/he'll likely be more open to it. You may have to go to the doc's office to pick up the script. In this state, they're not allowed to call a "drug subject to abuse" in.
I will talk to her about it. My doctor's office is just a few blocks away so that wouldn't be a problem. But I don't think NY is that restrictive. I got some Valium for my root canal, and some Vicodin when I broke my toe. I don't seem to be prone to addiction, the Vicodin did nothing more than relieve my pain.
A third vote for the anxiety drug. Also the standard offer of safe bed to sleep in and safe space to cry in and snake therapy as needed and if you need me to cut a bitch, I'll break out my good daggers.
I was thinking about that, but the party is going to be at a rented cabin on lake Cayuga so I will be sleeping in my own apartment.

Although I can get you an invitation to the party so you can be my body guard, if you are willing. I talk about you a lot so I'm sure you would be welcome.
When is it? If it doesn't conflict with school and work I would make the trip. Although I can't sleep in your apartment, so if overnight is required, I'll need to book a hotel room.
The house is rented July 13-20 but the actual day of the party hasn't been set.
They were talking about Sunday the 14. But Fran won't be arriving till the 15th. I don't think it would be necessary for you to stay overnight.
Keep me posted. I would be happy to stand over you fingering a naked blade and glaring at any family member who looks at you sideways.
What on earth are they correcting you about? I mean as if you're such a problem or something.

I know the whole "You're too loud for one and not loud enough for the other" problem from my grandparents, grandfather was very hard of hearing and grandmother could hear me sneaking a piece of candy at 200 yards. That's a no-win one there.
It's always little things. I talk too loud, I laugh too loud, I just don't behave correctly.
For example, the last time we had a family gathering at this rented house on the lake we had a buffet dinner party. The buffet had been set up and I heard mom and Maria whispering that the all the food was out but no one was eating. So I announced to the room full of guests that the food was ready and people should start eating. Maria looked at me in horror and hissed at me. I don't remember what she said but she clearly felt that my actions were totally unacceptable. I say they hiss at me, but they don't actually say "hssss" they usually say my name in a tone and with an expression that lets me know that I have just done something awful, like said something honest, direct, and straight forward.
See but people like that! I never want to bother people who are setting up the food until they're done. Hell I was usually the one who told everybody with my loud mouth that the food was ready! It sounds like you're getting crap because you're saying what you feel when you perceive a problem. Nothing wrong with that.

But then again I would have confronted Maria right off the bat. I would not put up with such bullshit from anybody like her for a minute. I had someone at events Eric and I attend give me the "I have every right to tell you how to behave" attitude, and I told her the next time she does it I was going to throw whatever was nearby at her head.
It takes me a while to respond to attacks. I tend to freeze up. And this is family. If I weren't related to these people I don't think they would treat me this way. And I certainly wouldn't put up with it. No one else in my life treats me like this.

History and baggage as J said. Family dynamics are hard.
"No one else in my life treats me like this." Then you have been assigned the family position of "scapegoat" or even just "goat" and they are treating you as they did when you were all children, and yeah, family dynamics are hard. And unless they are all willing to plop down on a therapist's couch together with you, it's going to have to be up to you to figure out how to deal with it. That is so hard! But it might help to remember that no-one else treats you this way-so the behavior is their bad! I love you-and I hope you find some way to deal with this before the occasion. Though the image of Song standing guard with her honed daggers is intriguing.....
I definitely agree that I'm the scapegoat, or at least the black sheep. We will see how things go.
You know, it sounds to me like you problem solve, while they just complain and wait to be rescued.

One way to avoid some of that could be to put it back in their laps instead...for instance, "I see that...what do you intend to do about it?" And let them figure it out.

They may be using you as a scapegoat or a buffer. Which certainly wouldn't be your fault.

I'm so sorry you go through this, zahde. If they are doing either of those things it won't matter what you do because they need to complain about you in some fashion to take their mind off themselves...which may be a consolation or a way to depersonalize, but doesn't really help in the moment.
There are some "style" issues. I'm usually a direct communicator. But everyone else in my family (especially my parents) are indirect communicators. Direct communication is discouraged in my family so I have been trained to make requests indirectly, against my natural inclination. Song has been working on retraining me to make direct requests, which is interesting.

There is also some scapegoating going on. I am definitely the odd the one out in my family.
Pashka sounds delicious! Yay for good food and books.

Boo for parental problems. Sorry about Maria. Sigh. I've had family gatherings that gave me killer migraines. Sorry to hear you're having this trouble.