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March 2018

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dismay

Why does everything suck!

I had a bit of a break down on Friday. I had planned on going down to Song's on Saturday but I was so miserable on Friday evening that I decided I needed to go down sooner. I was in tears for most of the drive down, but when I arrived Just being around friends cheered me up and IDK got out the snake for me and I felt much better. In fact I felt much better for most of the weekend. J came down to visit as well and it was nice hanging out with him. On Sunday I had a pleasant visit with my parents and my mom gave me some cool stuff.

Then today I started to crash again. I had agreed to stay with the kids while Song and SNB went to work today, but I woke up just wanting to go home. The kids were out of school because of the holiday, they spent most of the day inside watching TV. Except when I lured them outside in the sun to play with my bubble toys. They really were as easy to take care of as children can be. They are good kids but I was just not in a good head space today.

I left as soon as Song got home.

I feel like I'm back where I was Friday evening. Nothing feels right. Everything is making me angry or sad. Nothing is satisfying. I'm just sitting here crying again.

I wish I could turn off my head and make everything go away until it got better.

Comments

I was very glad to see you. I am looking forward to seeing you this coming weekend. I am sorry that you are depressed. I hate depression with a passion.
Thank you.
I should be feeling better by then. I usually am.

I love you.

I really, really appreciate everything you do and I'm very glad you are home safe. Seeing you and hearing you in that condition worries me greatly. I know you were considering getting something for your sister's birthday party. Perhaps you should consider getting something for every day, or at least when you're in this state. If your insurance will cover it, of course.

I hated it when I realized I needed drugs for my postpartum depression, but I knew I had to.
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. I wish you could turn it off, too. Many, many hugs.
Sometimes it helps to know others have felt the same way: Hyperbole and a Half.

Many hugs! Call someone close if you are really down--someone who will understand. Sleep if you can...that helps me, anyway.
Thanks.

I love Allie Brosh.

Song is very supportive for me.

I was planning on sleeping as a way to "turn off my head" for a while. But I ended up watching Continuum on Netflix instead. Every since I was a child I have used TV to distract me from my depression and anxiety. It usually works to generate those Alpha waves. But it has to be exactly the right kind of show. The kind of shows I enjoy when I'm not depressed don't work to distract me when I am depressed. I can take anything challenging or intellectual when I'm depressed. And I have to avoid love stories, when I'm depressed a heart warming love story can make me suicidal. I was watching "My Name is Earl" yesterday and one of the episodes had Joy and Randy talking about how wonderful it was to find your "true love". That sent me into downward spiral very quickly.

I do feel better today.
Sometimes music will help me--if it's the right kind.

I know what you mean about shows. One Christmas I watched Love, Actually with my family and wound up driving around in tears that night. No one could figure out why I didn't adore the movie. :-(
I'm sorry you are having a rough patch, glad that it seems to be easing, and very impressed by your determination to get through depression without medication! I so very much wish I could help...but what worked for me is not likely to be what works for you, though I'm happy to share if you are interested. You are LOVED, see by how very many?
Who said anything about not using medication. I'm on the highest recommended dose of Effexor. It's just that, while the effexor is bringing my anxiety down to a level where I can actually see it, it isn't touching my PMDD related episodic depression. I'm going to try to talk to my doctor about getting some Valium for that and see what she says. I think a couple of valium once a month should not be a problem, and I see my doctor every three months so she can watch and make sure I'm not abusing it.