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March 2018



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Weird Mood Update

I think my weird mood is emotional detachment. I'm not depressed or anxious. I'm feeling intellectually critical and emotionally detached, as if nothing can hurt me emotionally. Which is a bit worrying to say, since I know that I can be hurt emotionally. Since my intellect has the upper hand right now I'm concerned that it may make some bad decisions because it is not taking advice from my intuitive, emotional side. Intellect thinks it is so smart it has all the answers, but it doesn't. It doesn't understand what the important questions are.

I've mentioned before that I don't feel that most therapists do much more than a good friend does. But I have to say that Marilyn is a lousy therapist. She doesn't listen. She just jumps in with her long rambling stories that have nothing to do with what anyone else is talking about. Anne is a much better listener. Anne at least understood what my concern was, she reflected back to me what she was hearing so I felt understood. She didn't have any solutions but then most therapists don't have any solutions either. I think I just needed to say what I was thinking out loud and feel heard. Anne did that for me. Now that I have gotten things off my chest I think they will probably resolve themselves. Most things do.


Allie talks about emotional detachment and depression in her outstanding blog, http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

You know I will listen.

I think that makes the fifth person who's suggested Hypberoleandahalf to Zahde and she introduced ME to it two years ago! (^_^)

Re: You know I will listen.

She should also read those Discworld books by Terry Pratche-OW! Stop hitting me! OW!

Re: You know I will listen.

*chases him with her copy of "Only You Can Save Mankind" hardcover!*

Only Zahde can be Terry Pratchett's pimp!


Re: You know I will listen.

I don't think my emotional detachment is the same as the numbness she is describing.

I'm not feeling depressed right now. I'm actually feeling pretty cheerful. I can feel happy, and angry. I'm not feeling sad or afraid, but what worries me is that I'm not feeling compassion or empathy either. I seem to be in a head space that makes it really easy to be inconsiderate of other people. Intellectually I don't want to be that kind of jerk. I know what it feels like to really care about other people and I can tell that the proper emotions are not there right now. It's different from what Ally talks about because, despite the numbness, she feels a sense of loss or sadness. I don't feel sad about being detached. I feel like a shark or a sociopath. I feel above petty emotions, while intellectually aware that that could cause me problems if I don't watch it.

Right now I seem to be acting appropriately for purely manipulative and self serving reasons, where as in the past I know I have acted out of genuine compassion. And this bothers me on a purely intellectual level. I think I probably shouldn't be saying these things in public, or to my friends. But I also think, intellectually, I should record these inner working of my mind in case they turn out to be important, for a better understanding of how human emotions work.

It is hard to know what is going on in another person's mind. But I can compare what is going on in my mind to what has gone on in my mind on other occasions. And this seems more like intellectual arrogance or sociopathy than depressed numbness. I do care, it's just that right now I only seem to care about me. Intellectually I believe that I should really care about other people too. But right now I'm just acting as if I care rather than actually feeling compassion. Sociopaths are usually pretty good at manipulating people because they don't get emotionally involved.
Is this the true Zahde creeping out of the back of the brain? Perhaps, now that her anxiety is controlled, she realizes she is above such mundane things like compassion and empathy? Perhaps humanity as a whole exists only to amuse her? Perhaps she only comes to my house so she can manipulate my children to start the Resistance?

I know you are joking but one of my fears about sharing this information is that people will use it against me. People already accuse me of being deliberately condescending and mean when I know I'm not.
Well, I'm not "people". So I can sooth that fear for myself and my family. Such "people" are not worth associating with anyway.
Are you sure this isn't apathy? That is also a form of depression.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Hyperbole-and-a-Half explains that kind of depression very well. But my current state isn't stopping me from enjoying my Dresden books or getting annoyed with people for being stupid.

I have a long standing rule about not using "honesty" as an excuse for being mean to people. Telling people good things is just as honest as telling them bad things. Recently I have been feeling the urge to be "honest" with people in a bad way. The Crucial Conversations book calls this the "Sucker's Choice". It can make you feel better for a few minutes but it can also destroy your relationships. It's better to step back and ask "What do I really want?" and "What would someone who really wanted that do?". I think my current impatience with the flaws of others is more manic than depression. And that may be the answer. I think I do have manic phases, they just aren't like other people's manic phases. I'm not getting much done right now.

These are the regular symptoms of Mania:
1. Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
2. Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
3. Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
4. Rapid talk, talkativeness
5. Distractibility, Attention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items
6. Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
7. Racing thoughts, Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
8. High sex drive, Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
9. Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
10. Tendency to show poor judgment, such as impulsively deciding to quit a job
11. Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
12. Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

I do feel happier than usual, I feel like I'm "riding high" although I'm not actually giddy.
I'm a bit irritable.
Not restless and I have been sleeping more, not less.
I'm always talkative
Not particularly distractible, not any more than usual. Well, Ok maybe I'm a little more distractible than usual.
Not particularly goal directed or hyper-focused.
I'm feeling clearheaded and thoughts are flowing easily, very intellectual.
No high sex drive at the moment. More indolent than aroused.
Not making grand plans at the moment (Thank the Goddess) Although I have on the past.
Feeling a bit impulsive and reckless. But not acting on it (Thank the Goddess) Although I have in the past.
I do think I'm having bit of inflated self-esteem and grandiosity. I'm right and everyone else is stupid!
I tend to engage in reckless behavior, poor judgement, and impulsive decisions when I'm depressed too. But right now I'm not: having sex with anyone, doing drugs, drinking, or engaging in business. When I can I tend to go on spending sprees, buying gifts for others or indulging myself. But I don't have any money so I am trying to rein in my spending.

Edited at 2013-09-14 11:12 am (UTC)
Well, if it is mania, I hope you enjoy the happy aspects> I do agree about the urge to be too honest. Not a good idea.