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March 2018



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Be Nice

Not much better

So last night was a bad night.

One of the problems I have with depression is that it sometimes hard to tell if I'm depressed because I'm thinking about things that make me feel sad or if I'm thinking about things that make me feel sad because I'm depressed.

On the one hand it has been five weeks since my last incident so I'm overdue. On the other hand I didn't start feeling bad until I started talking about things that upset me.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep because I was crying so much my nose was getting stuffed up and that interferes with my Bi-PAP machine, so I can't breathe. I considered taking one of my diazepam, but I hoard those. I have a limited number and I don't want to waste one on sleep. I need them for when I'm conscious. I took some Zzzquil instead and fell right to sleep.

Unfortunately I was awakened this morning by a maintenance man coming into my apartment to relight the pilot lights in my stove. My apartment is a mess and having strangers come in just made me very anxious. I practically had a panic attack. I sat in the bathroom and just concentrated on breathing. And assuring myself that everything was going to be all right. They have been replacing the gas lines because the old pipes were rusty and maintenance men came back two more times to relight the pilot lights.

I got on the internet to try to distract myself from the anxiety this causes me. I'm still very upset. I need to take a diazepam today. I haven't gone into the kitchen (where my pills are) because that is where the maintenance men where. This also means I haven't eaten yet and I really should eat something.

The maintenance men were very polite and making sure the pilot lights are lit is a safety issue so I understand why they have to do it. But that doesn't make me feel better about having strangers in my space.


Know that I love you and hope to see you soon. I am sorry you had such a "perfect storm" of depression and anxiety; you do not deserve it.
Thank you. It is very important that I have friends who care about me.