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March 2018



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pirate baby

Two More Hoops

The day started off well. I got lots of sleep and woke up with plenty of time to get dressed and eat breakfast.

I gave myself an extra half hour to get to Sayre because of the snow. Then I missed the turn in Van Etten and didn't realize I was off Rt 34 until I hit Rt 13. So I took Rt 13 south to Horseheads to catch 17 east to Sayre. And I was 10 minutes late for my appointment.

The psychologist, Dr Lichtenstein, was very nice. I told him all about my food issues and I cried a bit. I almost had a full blown panic attack. My throat felt like it was closing up and I had to stop and breathe a couple of times. He wants me to start logging my emotions, get on a regular sleeping and eating schedule, and come back in a month. Meanwhile he will talk to my therapist. He wants a letter from my therapist saying he supports my decision to have the surgery.

Then I had the meeting with the fitness specialist, Gavin. Gavin as a very nice young man I think he looks like Stephen Amell, the actor who plays Oliver Queen on the Arrow TV series. He wants me to start going to the gym for a half-hour five days a week. And keep a record of that.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and anxious. All this scheduling is really bad for me I feel burdened and stressed already and I haven't even started.

I think I need a Valium.

I'm reading Jenny Lawson's memoir "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" and I can really relate. Her general anxiety disorder is much worse than mine, but there are similarities. I don't think I have ever started talking about my vagina at a party, but I've said lots of other inappropriate things. People have accused me of saying outrageous things just for the shock value. But I think it might have been just because I was anxious and blurted out whatever came to my mind (poor impulse control). And stuffing food in my face does slow down the flow of inappropriate conversation, a little bit.

I don't know what will happen. I'm afraid if I don't pass these tests they won't do the surgery and all the people who are "supporting" me will judge me for failing. Just as they judged me for not pursuing the surgery before.

Now I'm crying again. I really do need a Valium.


a) I love you no matter what. I support you no matter what. If anyone gives you grief, I will punch them for you.

b) I love Lawson's book sooooo much.
Thank you.

I love you and support you no matter what. You're aware of the anxiety and this is a good thing! Hopefully your therapist can help you with the scheduling anxiety. And if not, well, I still love you and support you.
After you and Barb insisted that the only reason I hadn't done the surgery yet was that I didn't "want" to. And when I said the surgery would mean I couldn't live on a normal human diet for the rest of my life, you insisted I really meant I didn't want to change my eating habits. I don't really feel supported by you. You don't understand what I'm going through and sometimes you don't even try.
You're right, I misunderstood what you meant by "normal human diet". We have discussed this and I have apologized for misunderstanding you. I'm embarrassed and sad about that. I'm also embarrassed and sad that you still feel this way. I was trying to be respectful of your decisions by not arguing with you.

You're right, I have no idea what you're going through. It's very hard for me to understand you sometimes. It's very hard to write this response in a way that won't offend you further. But one thing I can say for certain is no matter what happens, you are my Sister and I love you.
You make it sound so reasonable. I *repeatedly* told you that people who who have this surgery have to take supplements for the rest of their lives and you just couldn't hear what I was saying because you think I don't know what "normal food" is because I'm fat. It wasn't an "misunderstanding" it was a conscious judgement you made about me because I'm fat. You decided that I didn't know what "normal" was and wouldn't hear anything else I said. It wasn't just a one time misunderstanding. You refused to hear me even when I explained myself repeatedly. You have no idea how much that hurts me.
I know you didn't mean to hurt me. And I appreciate that you are sorry about it.
But it still hurts.
Yes, I can see that. You won't believe this, but it wasn't about you being fat. It was about taking you at your word. You said "I wouldn't be able to eat normally again. I can't do that." I accepted that statement at face value and did not need further explanations. I was trying to be respectful and not get into an argument. That was the wrong approach.

I can't do anything about past hurts. I am doing my best to not repeat my mistakes. My memory is atrocious, but I am trying very hard to not cause you further hurts.
I'm pretty sure I never said that. I believe it is what you heard, but I don't think it's what I said. I distinctly remember being very careful in choosing my words.

I think I said "I won't be able to live on normal food for the rest of my life." You know I'm very precise about what words I use. I don't think I would have said "I wouldn't be able to eat normally again" because that is not an accurate description of the problem. The problem isn't not being able to eat normally, the problem is eating normally and still dieing of malnutrition because my intestines can't process food anymore, which is why bariatric surgery patients have to take up to 15 nutrition supplements a day. Normal food (plants and animals) will not keep a post-bariatric surgery patient alive. No matter how healthy their diet is they have to have pills. It was never a matter of what I can or can't do. After surgery I will have to take nutritional supplements if I want to live. Bariatric surgery induces malnutrition. I'm not making this up. It is in the brochures from the hospital.

I don't think I would ever imply that I eat "normally" now. My eating habits have never been "normal". I have always eaten weird foods in weird patterns. But they are generally healthy foods that supply me with adequate nutrition. I have never been diagnosed with a nutritional deficiency.

The thing that scared me was the idea that I would have to take dietary supplements for the rest of my life. No matter what I ate my body could not sustain itself on "normal food" (such as fruits and vegetables). That is what I was trying to tell you. It really amazes me that you still don't understand what I'm saying even though I have explained it to you repeatedly and at length.

You are still treating my factual description of what this surgery will do to my body as if it was something I made up to avoid doing something I don't want to do. You just don't believe that what I'm telling you is true. You are trying to be "supportive" but you think I'm just making up excuses to avoid changing my behavior.
I NEVER thought you were making up excuses. Your decision was your decision and that was that. I didn't need to know why. I didn't need to know the reasons behind your decision. It's your body, it's your decision. So be it. I stood by your decision not to have the surgery and didn't question it. How is that not being supportive?

Perhaps I'm simpler then I thought. I don't question unless I don't understand. When it comes to personal things like one's body or one's love life, I don't need to understand the whys and wherefores.

Yes, this is a dangerous procedure. Yes, you will need to take more pills to keep you alive. Yes, this scares you. Obligations to the future have scared you for as long as I've known you. Comfort eating will not keep you alive. Regular eating will not keep you alive. You will be on supplements for the rest of your life and that's terrifying. I DO understand what you're saying. At the risk of sounding callous, it didn't matter. I would and do stand beside you and defend you in your decisions.
I can't even imagine how difficult this process must be, Eva. You are an inspiration to me, not for going for the surgery, though kudos to you if its what you want, but for sharing your emotions and thoughts with us through this blog. You are braver than you may know. Thank you for your honesty. No judgements. I love your spirit!
Thank you.

It really helps that I'm on disability and don't have to worry about getting fired if I sound crazy on my blog.
Hugs Sweetie!