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March 2018



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First Long Drive Since the Accident.

I had several things I planned to do this morning before I left for Sayre. But when I got up I just didn't feel up to doing anything.

I got dressed, ate breakfast, took my pills, and drove to Sayre in a timely manner.

On the way there I kept seeing how easily I could lose control of the car and die horribly. I wouldn't call them flashbacks they were more like flash forwards. My amygdala has just recently learned how quickly a pleasant drive down a dry highway can turn into dangerous chaos. So it is working on warning me of how dangerous the act of driving can be. I have a lot more sympathy for my mom's slow driving and avoidance of highways now. At highway speeds things can go out of control faster than I can react to them.

I feel a bit sorry for Dr L, the psychologist down in Sayre. He only has a half hour to see me and I come in, drop a bunch of complicated psychoanalytic theory on him, and burst into tears. I think most of his patients are much less complicated.

Gavin, the exercise specialist, on the other hand could use a bit of education on how to motivate people. He is a nice guy but he was "disappointed" that I didn't get anything done last month. And he kept pushing me to "promise" to do better so I wouldn't disappoint him again. I do not respond well to that kind of pressure. I've developed an almost Hawaiian dislike of making promises. I can't control the future. I don't know what is going to happen. But he did give me a packet of exercises I can do at home in a chair. So I have no excuses for not doing them.

I picked up my iPod at Wegmans and tried their new wild caught Alaskan Salmon Sushi roll. And I bought a small loaf of Pain de Campagne. I used to buy Pain de Campagne for full moon rituals when I was working with a regular group doing Esbats. Eating Pain de Campagne has such comforting pleasant associations for me. I would also get a good cheese, and a nice liqueur to go with it. This time I just bought a small tub of whipped sweet cream butter. Sweet cream butter and crusty french bread are ecstasy!

Way too much carb I know. I also bought cucumbers and celery. I'm working on it.

I'm still feeling general anxiety. I'm going to take one of diazepam and see if that helps.


Love you. Try that music I sent while sitting with your eyes closed and imagining driving. Do that until the anxiety lowers a little. That may help with your next driving session.
I can sympathize with the therapist situation. i'm not as impressed with my new one, but I can tell it's because I'm too self-aware for her. She doesn't have a lot to work with when I keep telling her I've done all her suggestions and nothing helps. I tried to IM her about the issues we talked about and she wrote back saying I should make an earlier appointment because it was "too hard" to help over IM.

Love you.
I tried emailing my therapist and he said absolutely no emails. If I want to talk about something I have to come in. He said it was a confidentiality issue but I think he likes to keep his work to billable hours. Which is perfectly reasonable, he is a medical professional, not my friend.